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Ethan Clarke - Aged 13
This humorous account of a hiking trip gone very wrong really entertained us all. The writer is very successful in creating an unlikeable character in the form of Nicky! We also thought that you did a great job at describing the forest your characters were in. The imaginative plot breaks away from most run-of-the-mill scary camping stories, and the humour was excellent. After setting up the dread of your typical ghost-story around the camp fire, wry humour & a cutting wit lowers our superstitious foreboding into a humorous parable about conceit & bravado. We’ve all formally agreed though that we wouldn’t want to go camping with Mandy; she created chaos!’
Overall, it was really gripping, and we were on the edge of our seats wondering what would happen next! It was brilliantly written, and a fantastic cautionary tale of potentially creating a self-fulfilling prophecy through your own fears. Really powerful!
Hiking up the big, steep, rocky, pebbled pathway to the forest, the walking group were in pairs, chatting away. This camping trip had been organised six months ago, and even though they were sweating their faces off, they were so excited for this wild camping trip.
Although there were golden, crunchy leaves on the floor, the trees were still quite full and were busy with the squeaks of squirrels and songs of blackbirds.
After hiking up and down hills for four hours, they found the perfect spot to set up camp. While Mark, Alan and Suzanne were setting up the tents, Nicky bossed around Mandy and Steve to set up the campfire. Even though Nicky was far from the leader of the group, she liked to boss everyone around and sometimes they’d go along with it. The last two members of the group, Claire and Lynda were collecting pinecones in very early preparation for Christmas decorations.
Once camp was set up, they all chilled around the crackling, orange fire. “Let me tell my scary story first”, whinged Nicky. Suzanne rolled her eyes; Mark and Alan glanced at each other; Claire, however, shrugged a “yes” to Nicky.
After a few hours of laughing, telling stories and toasting marshmallows, Claire interrupted, “That’s me ready for my beauty sleep.” However, as she headed into her tent, everyone else did up their coats and got ready for Mandy’s story.
Mandy said in a stage whisper, “You know guys, this is completely true. You might have heard it on the news. So, this is based on totally real events right here in this forest.” That’s what she told everyone at least, and that might be where it started to go all wrong.
She told the group a story about people going missing, others hearing screams and only bodies being found. Mandy was a fantastic storyteller, and she made it all sound so real that the whole group was pale with panicked eyes at the end.
Nicky shuddered and said, “Why would you tell us that Mandy?! I need to pee, but how can I walk into the forest alone now?”
“Don’t worry Nicky, I’ll go with you”, whimpered Mark. They set off into the forest and a minute later Suzanne ran after them, also scared to be alone.
As they tiptoed through the forest, Nicky continued to complain about Mandy’s story, “I really wish I didn’t know. This forest is clearly not safe to be staying in. What brainless, clueless person would pick this forest?”
“Uhh, you. You picked this forest for us Nicky”, responded Mark.
Nicky instantly gave Mark the death stare, but then they heard a twig snap. Nicky froze in fear. So did Mark. Nicky’s heart pounded so loudly, she was certain that people could hear it from a mile away. Then the adrenaline kicked in. She grabbed a branch and launched it towards the sound, not realising it was Suzanne who was following them to the toilet.
Suzanne, thinking that she was being attacked, screamed like a mouse being caught by and owl and threw a rock in self-defence.
The rock hit Mark.
In the head.
He died quickly.
Then, it was Nicky’s turn to scream.
Both women, not understanding what had happened, ran screaming into the forest in separate directions. Eventually, they both arrived back at camp with a talk of how they had been attacked. Chaos.
Mandy listened to the news and felt her stomach start to ache. She didn’t realise that her lie would stretch this far. She stayed silent throughout the panic, until Suzanne mentioned her name, “Mandy, you could have told us about the rumours earlier, but I’m so relieved you told us your story when you did”.
Mandy replied with a simple, “uh, yeah!”
Discussing the current situation, everyone’s voice was slowly growing louder. A frown creased Steve’s face. Alan turned red. Nikki clenched her fists. They were getting nowhere, and nobody could agree on an escape.
Finally, after a few chilly hours, Alan stormed off into the forest like a thunderstorm ready to strike down the trees in front of him. Nikki called after him to stop, but he just yelled back, “Get lost. This is a waste of our time.”
It was only 5 minutes after he left that the camp heard a stomach-churning scream. It was the sort of scream that made the heart race and goosebumps blanket your skin. The camp collectively gulped and Nikki grabbed Steve, whispering, “W-w-w-what was that?”
Steve jumped at Nikki’s touch and instantly replied, that sounded like Alan. I should go after him.”
Nikki instantly put her thumbs up, “that sounds like a great idea Steve! You should do that!” Suzanne rolled her eyes, but still, nobody stopped Steve.
As Steve tiptoed into the forest, he felt like the trees were about to eat him alive. But, they didn’t. A short while later, he came sprinting back into camp, crying about how he had seen Alan at the bottom of the bank.
Alan was dead. After a second of silence, everyone started hugging and crying while Mandy scratched her head, “maybe he tripped?” she whispered to herself.
As the camp descended into a panicked chaos, one of the zips moved on a tent. Cautiously, Claire stuck her head out, saw the madness and promptly said, “pffft, that can wait till the morning!” Like a mouse, she crawled quietly back into the tent.
“ Aaaaargh” Lynda started shaking, a fist to her chest and she fell to the ground like a table with no legs. Instantly, everyone jumped up and sprinted to Lynda before promptly starting to argue about what to do. Luckily, Steve was first-aided: he started singing, “ah, ah, ah, ah, staying alive, staying alive!” while he pressed her chest, trying to restart her broken heart.
It didn’t work. Her heart never restarted. Everyone cried except Nikki, who shrugged, “never liked her anyway, she could never walk in a straight line”.
Mandy tried to comfort a sobbing Steve, but he interrupted to say, “no, it’s fine really. I just think I sprained my wrist in the CPR”.
Eventually, everyone went to sleep, huddling together till the sun rose. As the burning, orange circle rose in the cloudless, pink-tinted sky, sirens arrived, followed quickly by police.
Mandy, sat in a camping chair, awaited their arrival as she rocked back and forth. Despite the awful night, it made Nicky’s year when Mandy rocked all the way off her chair.
When the police arrived, they interviewed the remaining campers. They quickly figured out that it was Nicky who attacked Suzanne, Suzanne who accidentally killed Mark. Tracks near the river bank and a displaced shoe showed that Alan had tripped and fallen to his death. Lynda was a fluke of fate.
The coppers also figured out that it all essentially happened because of Mandy’s story. However, that was not a crime, so they collected the dead bodies and left.
Nicky was so outraged that she kicked a rock and screamed, “argh, Mandy! Now you’ve hurt my foot too! Mandy, I think it’s best that you don’t walk with us anymore.”
Mandy’s eyes welled up, but she nodded as Nicky, Steve, Suzanne and Claire marched away, heading home without her.
The End.
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