Lily Hamilton - Aged 10 - Winner!
We all thought this was a fantastic opening and that it was written in a very mature style. It was tense from the first paragraph and drew us in immediately. Gizmo was so funny and realistic. Also: what a great cliffhanger...what's going to happen next? This was brimming with anticipation, and you set the scene up wonderfully. You have achieved some brilliant characterisation; Lucy definitely has what it will take to solve this!
Intrigue set before the first line is over & a cliff-hanger finish help keep the reader engaged and on their toes throughout. A classic example of detective fiction held up by fully realised characters. The story builds really beautifully, and we quickly became invested in the characters and found this a lovely story to read. Excellent use of descriptions to create a picture.
Congratulations!
Death
By
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Chapter 1
This case was extremely unusual, in fact it even made the detective who stumbled across it incredibly confused.
Now, you must understand that a difficult case doesn’t make a detective any worse or any better, who knew that one phone call could change something big.
Lucy was just sat day dreaming waiting for her daily breakfast delivery. That always consisted of a blueberry muffin and a large latte. When suddenly the phone rang making her jump out of her skin. Reluctantly, she pulled herself off the sofa and answered.
“Hello?” Lucy asked, in an early morning croak
“Hi, are you Miss Lucy Dots?” said a stern man, in a voice that gave Lucy shivers all over her body .
“Yes, how can I help?” she replied
“I need to hire you for an engagement party and I wont take no for an answer” Said the man.
“An engagement party!? You do know I am a detective don’t you?
Quickly the man’s voice changed to an utter panic, like a child being caught stealing chocolate. “ My fiancés family hates me and I am worried they may do something bad to me when I propose to her at the party” he said.
“Ummm. I will just check if I’m free” said Lucy
“It’s at the fancy restaurant called Kennels on Saturday, see you there” “I’ll be…” but the phone went dead before she could answer.
She had no time to be infuriated as the doorbell rang for her breakfast delivery.
Lucy flung open the front door and her ginger house cat Gizmo legs it out, like a bat out of hell. “GIZMO!” she shouts and he struts off out of sight with his tail in the air. She grabs her breakfast off the disgruntled delivery lady and slams the door. What a morning this has been so far, she thinks.
Chapter 2
After eating her breakfast she decided to go for a morning stroll to clear her mind. This morning was chilly. It was as if someone had picked up the sun and replaced it with a gust of wind that wrapped around you like a blanket. As she walked she saw a familiar body run right pass her at the speed of light. She looked behind her to see none other than Gizmo the cat being chased by a ballistic, brown dog! She rolled her eyes and thought ‘It serves him right for escaping this morning!’
She spent the next few days contemplating what on earth that man thought his fiancé’s family might do, could a family do something really bad? She thought.
When the day of the party finally arrived, she searched through her wardrobe and pulled out her most waitress looking outfit she owned which consisted of a plain black skirt and white shirt (very un-glamourous!) perfect for the job in hand. She found her name pin (from a previous case) and quickly scribbled the name Bailey on it. She was ready for business, one stroke of her trusty stead Gizmo, and she was off.
She arrived and went straight to the kitchen to grab a plate of shrimp, which she regretted very quicky due to the incredible stench that it gave off, it was like inhaling a rotting fish! A stern looking man with dark hair and eyes came in looking cautious and jumpy so she strode over with her plate of stinking shrimp.
The man suddenly bent down to tie his shoes and whispered “Are you Lucy?”
This was very weird she thought bending down to reply “Yes. Shall we stand up!?” she whispered.
Clearing his throat, the man stood up looking sheepish. “Sorry, I’m just nervous about the party and what might happen. Thank you for coming Lucy”
She looked into his eyes and saw his terror, like a black hole was going to swallow him up, this man was terrified. It gave Lucy the determination to stop this possible crime from taking place.
In the corner of the room there stood a woman in the most beautiful dress, it shimmered like a thousand stars and she was staring at them both.
The lady came right over when she saw Lucy had clocked her. Lucy had a chill of fear and anticipation wash over her, was this the moment something was going to happen to him?!
Chapter 3
“Time to be seated for dinner” the lady said, and Lucy suddenly realised this beautiful lady was the bride to be.
‘Why was she looking at them so coldly before?’ Lucy thought.
Lucy did a scan of her surroundings, taking in all the different people and items in the room. ‘Wow what a gorgeous cake they had, with flowers and coloured icing in sky blue, baby pink and mint green. It looked stunning, I’d like that for my birthday cake!’
She noticed an older lady (maybe a grandparent) get out of her seat with a big cake knife. Was this the time it was going to happen …?
No, the lady placed the knife next to the cake and hobbled back to her seat.
Once Lucy had taken all the food orders she sat down on her break gobbling her cheese sandwich and pondering what may be about to occur in this restaurant on what should be a very joyous occasion. Just when the chef barked an order the lights instantly went out! She looked around when it suddenly struck upon her this could be important! She walked out and felt someone brush past her. When the lights went back on the cake knife was gone, and so was the groom to be…….