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Silas Braund - Aged 13
We were wowed by the vivid imagination on display, captured brilliantly through its colourful narration & swords, surely recounted in the larger tale beyond this mere extract. This was loaded with action and anticipation. You've created a complex and layered imaginary world, and you've done so in a fantastically mature style. Additionally, it is very Tolkein-esque. Clearly well-planned characters, locations and events to lead up to the creation of this story. We also loved the really nice uses of vocabulary to enhance that mythical feeling.
Overall, a gripping read! The action in this was amazing and very exciting! We also found the magic very interesting, especially when Skye talks about theory. The inclusion of a song is also very brave, and totally works! You conjured a visual feast with your language and your layout and grammar were also excellent, making this a smooth story to read. Very well done.
THE APPRENTICE
(An extract)
Preface
Skye crashed to the floor with a shout. “Skye!” called another apprentice, “What on earth are you doing now?” Skye was apprenticed to Jenna Greenback, who was one of the Three White Sorceresses. The Sorceresses helped the Queen to rule the land and were the head of the Magic Circle. Ralfh was apprenticed to Tara. Charlie was apprenticed to Rose. When each of them were apprenticed to the Sorceresses, they were given three things: a rather nice uniform, a dragon egg and a feast. The dragon egg was a gift from the race of the dragons. The aim was that if the dragon inside of the egg liked the energy of the apprentice, then it would hatch.
Ralfh and Charlie dragged Skye up from the library floor. At that moment the Sorceresses walked in as well, having heard the crash as Skye fell off the ladder where she had been dusting the oldest magic books that the library contained. “Really!” said Jenna “I cannot have my apprentice launching herself off of library ladders whilst I am perfecting an armour shielding spell! Now get on with dusting this library!” And with that she spun on her heel and strode briskly out of the room. “Now why is she perfecting the armour shielding spell?” asked Ralfh. “I think I know,” said Skye, “It’s because we will be going to war.”
Chapter One
War
The three apprentices stood on the cold, dewy grass and spoke to each other in low tones. Each of them wore a suit of armour, their apprentice cloak, and a pack; beside them stood their dragons. At a signal from the Sorceresses, each of them mounted their respective dragon and settled themselves into the saddle. Jenna, Rose and Tara soared into the air using Flight Charms; their apprentices followed them. They were on their way to destiny.
For many years the Evil Sorceress, Gwendolin, had left the Three White Sorceresses and the land of Haberlin alone but now she had decided to act. She was tutored by Amgar and had power the Three White Sorceresses could only dream about. She gathered marching armies about her and advanced upon her target. Now the Queen of Haberlin had no choice but to fight.
Knights were armouring, trenches were being dug, horses were whinnying, swords were being sharpened and warriors, wizards, apprentices and sorceresses were going to war!
The six of them came to land in the early evening, amidst a maze of trenches, parapets, barricades and catapults. The Queen was already there, making as many preparations as was possible before Gwendolin struck. Skye, Ralfh and Charlie at once began casting wards to protect themselves, their dragons and the warriors from magic attacks.
Suddenly, a great commotion was heard - horns and the clash of swords. The three apprentices leapt into the air on their dragons, and sped towards the battlefield. Some of Gwendolin’s cavalry had attacked a number of Haberlin’s foot soldiers, and could well have beaten them if the dragons and their riders had not turned up. A Thunder-Bolt leapt from Skye’s bare right hand, and swept a number of the cavalry from their saddles, unconscious. Charlie and Ralfh followed suit, and downed about a third of the group but not without mishaps. Ralfh’s dragon was grazed on its paw by an arrow, Charlie had his helmet shot off, and Skye was stabbed through the leg with a spear.
Back at the camp Skye and Elvan (Ralfh’s dragon) were healed via magic, and Charlie had a new helmet forged. Once again they were ready to fight.
Chapter Two
Playing With Fire
During the course of the next few days, Skye came to realise that although Jenna was concentrating on preparing for the imminent war, she was learning more from her than she ever had before. Then, on the fourth day after their arrival, the war horns started blaring. Trumpets added their voices to the din. The harsh battle cries of the warriors sounded like a howling gale. Drummer boys drummed. Cavalries charged. The onslaught had begun...
Skye yelped as a wolf sank its teeth into her chain mail covered leg. Then the wolf yelped as Fire-Paw (Skye’s dragon) roasted and ate him whole. Charlie bent his sword trying to discourage an enemy soldier who was about to hit Skye over the head with a saucepan. Ralfh was singing a savage war-song, and leading a battalion of soldiers to the attack. Skye made light work of a group of four pikemen who were needling Fire-Paw in the side and stepping back from dealing the blow, she swiftly clubbed at a soldier who was about to eliminate Charlie.
Skye climbed on to Fire-Paw and started to spar with the Huruks (a race of grizzly, muscle-bound giants - some standing over ten feet tall, with Gazelle-like horns – who fight in nothing but a mail shirt and ox-hide trousers) slicing though their shields to scar their clubs and swords underneath. She then held out a handful of marbles to Fire-Paw, who spouted flames over them, and then, as she had thick, mail-backed gloves on, began juggling with them. As the enemy forces retreated, Skye, with quick flicks of her wrists, sent the flaming marbles spinning into the midst of them. Large puffs of vapour cut through the smoke-ridden air, for many carts and barrels and catapults were burning. Horrified cries came from the enemy as whoever was hit by a marble vanished. What Skye was doing was turning them into vapours which she was storing in a microscopic pocket of space behind her tent, where they were safe until she turned them into humans again. The last soldier to go was the Commander-General. As he went, he turned to Skye and snarled: “You would do well to stay out of other people’s business, my lass. You be careful. You’re playing with fire.” Then he screamed soundlessly as the last marble hit him and he vapourised.
Chapter Three
An Evil Queen
Jenna was testing Skye’s ability to encase herself in flames. She knew the theory. Now she had to do it. She silently prayed. Then she muttered the spell and cringed. At once there was a dull ‘bang’ and Skye successfully managed not to blow herself up. After ten minutes had elapsed, a runner appeared and said: “The enemy are asking us to go out and fight!” Said Jenna, “Then go and fetch your armour man, because......” At that moment a chorus of howls and yells broke out. “By all that’s wonderful,” gasped Skye, “Werewolves!”. The whole camp erupted with cheers. By the time the Sorceresses and their respective apprentices reached the Queen’s tent, the Ruler of the Werewolves was fast approaching.
As Skye buckled on Fang (her sword) she sang under her breath a song that the werewolves had sung.
Once when Werewolves they were young,
An evil Queen she came,
A hound to prey upon our young,
And all our numbers slay.
Killed were many of our kind,
But some we fled away.
In hidden caverns in the North,
There we raised our young,
So that one day,
When scared no more,
We’d venture forth again.
Once when Werewolves they were young,
An evil Queen she came,
A hound to prey upon our young,
And all our numbers slay.
In burning fury forth we came,
To find the Queen’s head,
We come,
For a blood-price!
For all our fallen dead.
Once when Werewolves they were young,
An evil Queen she came,
A hound to prey upon our young,
And all our numbers slay!
As she finished singing she strode out into the sunlight. Already carrion birds had gathered, called by the Magpies that Gwendolin used for messaging, eager for the battle to be over so that they could feast on the carnage of war. Skye mounted her dragon and they took their place at the head of a column of men they commanded. They exchanged battle cries with the other two Apprentices - then they were charging the enemy.
Skye shoved her shield into a General’s stomach, and then battered the General’s drummer boy, who was surprisingly fierce, until he crawled under a cart and Fang’s hilt could no longer reach him. Skye then used Fang to splinter a line of swordsmen’s shields like match-wood. Fire-Paw roasted alive a line of marching men in their armour. A line of archers proved too tempting for Skye and Fire-Paw. They took flight, circled to the rear of the group and, on silent wings, descended, and froze them. Fire-Paw and Skye once more returned to the thick of the battle. Fire-Paw landed, crushing several of the enemy under his feet. Several others were flattened with two strokes of his tail. The stupid No-tail-no-fires were getting on his nerves. “That big one with the Claw-on-a-stick is going to get his just desserts in a minute” thought Fire-Paw. “Where is that Rider of mine? I don’t want to crush her as well as those Thorn-scale-holding-little-no-tails.” After ascertaining that Skye was well out of the way, Fire-Paw proceeded to wreak havoc upon the enemy forces…
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