Tess Endacott-Isaeva - Aged 10
We were wowed by this strange, whimsical ghost-story carrying chills in its tense characters and mysterious language - exactly the sort of story Deborah asked for. The characters and their reactions felt very relatable. Especially interactions between Adira and Deborah. Overall, this is such an atmospheric tale that raised as many questions as it answered. We also all loved your illustration…we know we shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, but we’d definitely buy one with that cover! “Coughing the roof dust out of her lungs” was an excellent line to really describe the effects of the earthquake . This helped to really understand how everything was shifted around and unsettled.
Finally, swapping between time periods during a story is tricky, but you managed it well and it was easy to follow. You were very successful in your shifts between past and present. Well done! You are a wonderful story and we were gripped!
"Everything was hot. The sky was hot the air was hot and even the trees were hot, and my dad said, ‘I know a pair of hot bears is the hottest thing in the world!’ And I said, ‘and I know a pair of hot be....’"
"MUMMY! This is too BORING you've read this story like 20 million, billion, trillion times! Don't you ever think how I feel? Oh, and I asked for a spooky story!"
Adira pretended to glare at her child's response, but couldn't keep in her smile. Deborah then side-eyed her mum as if asking her if she was serious.
"Fine! Are you positive you won't have nightmares and come to me at night?" Deborah nodded at her mum with 100% certainty.
"If you say so, I'll tell you the story about my grandmother, then."
"Please don't make it more boring then it could be," Deborah pleaded. Tenderly tucking in Deborah, Adira began softly telling her ancestor's tale.
***********
The story began with Deborah's great grandmother, waiting outside a bustling train station on her journey home from the shop. Diana was pushing through the overcrowded train station, being bombarded by the yelling mass of people trying to get on the train. Walking down the steps of the train station, Diana heard the screeching of the trains brakes. Her shoes tapping on the gravel, Diana found an empty carriage to have some peace and quiet in. Trying not to grip onto the hand railings- and avoiding the seats that smelled like rotten eggs- Diana found a secure corner to stand in, that kept it’s distance from the engine’s smell of fuel.
Diana looked around and spotted a newspaper underneath a chair, so she skipped to the hand railing, knelt down to pick it up and scanned her eyes through the strap-line: page one- mortgage advise, page two- showbiz, page three- emergency climate weather, page four- healthy and wealthy. Her eyes only got caught on page 3, so she fiddled with the pages and reached her concern. On the page stood one word bulging out at her: earthquake.
Her mind filled with confusion, her hand's shivering with fright. She bit her lip and drew in a gasping breath. She could only hope for the natural disaster not to occur. She could feel tears building up in her eyes; so Diana softly brushed them away and told herself she would be ok. All of a sudden, the train sharply ceased it’s brakes, which forced Diana to the floor. She gripped onto the hand railing and noticed a substantial wound on her arm. Diana struggled to lift herself off the floor and limped to the exit to try get out of the train.
Bashing on the door, Diana acknowledged the ground start to shake; so she hastily squatted in the corner, between the door and chairs, hugged her knees and tightly shut her eyes. Menacingly, the earthquake messed around with the ceiling and lights, smashing them onto the ground. After what felt like an eternity, Diana peeked to check if the horror had ended and to her surprise, it had. Coughing the roof dust out of her lungs, Diana shook off the stone which was surrounding and trapping her in her tracks. She crawled across the train looking for something to break through the plump glass door, so she slid her hands under the seats, wiping smut away during the process . Diana couldn't find anything resembling a hammer, so she used the light that the earthquake had demolished, picked it up and began breaching the tempered glass threshold.
Finally, she broke through and stumbled to the ground panting and gasping for air. Diana faltered through the door frame and explored the underground- hoping to find a way out. The young adventurer soon found a train platform, with colossal stairs leading to her safety. As she trekked up the stairs, she felt the pain in her knuckles starting to form. The brave woman then brushed her finger tips along the rough, chalky wall, trembling while deeply breathing in and out.
Before she could stand on the stoney pavement, Diana’s eyes gazed attentively at the misty yellow sky.
“What in the world…” mumbled her crumbling voice “is… this a dream?” She questioned herself. Everything was crushed to bits, and what frightened Diana the most was a noise, an ear piercing scream coming from a long ago abandoned house. Yet somehow, Diana was brave enough to explore the eerie cottage.
Reaching where the noise was coming from, she entered the home. As she was approaching the upstairs bedroom, the floorboards screeched like eagles full of sorrow.
“Is..someone there?” Called a soft voice
“Yes, would you like help?” Diana questioned.
“YES!” The boy suddenly agreed.
“Well it would be much more helpful if I knew where you were,” Diana stated with sass.
“Down here”.
“Huh?” Diana wondered.
“Owww, you just stepped on my bloody arm!” The boy complained.
“Well, how was I supposed to know you were underneath me?” Diana replied.
As Diana helped release the boy from the ceiling’s fallen wood, she asked him for his name.
“Gabriel,” he calmly spoke. As her eyes fell upon his smile, she could feel the warmth in his eyes. It was love at first sight. Without warning, he held her hand and grinned at her. Diana then turned her head away from him and blushed. But he placed his finger on her chin, and moved her head towards him. He pulled her close and whispered in her ear: “Thank you for saving my life”.
17 years later
Gabriel kissed his daughter and lovingly touched her cheek. “Goodnight Villanelle ,” he serenely whispered.
“THAT’S GRANDMAS NAME!” Deborah screamed.
“Yes, you know that might be why I told you it was a story about your grandmother,” Adira divulged.
“Heh yeah,”Deborah agreed.
“Anyway back to the story,”Adira muttered.
*********************
Villanelle sat up, puffed up her pillows, and lay back down.
“Why are we the only ones in this odd country?” She questioned expecting an answer.
“Ok, I’ll tell you, but don’t dare talk about it in front of your mother: she’ll know I told you.”
Her dad replied “There was an earthquake 17 years ago. It didn’t seem like much at the moment, so we hid. Your mother was in a train, and I
was in a cottage, but when we came back from our hiding spot nothing existed anymore except from demolished buildings and-“
“WHY ARE YOU TELLING HER? SHE’LL BE FRIGHTENED FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!” Diana interrupted.
“SHE’S NOT A KID ANYMORE SHE’S ALLOWED TO KNOW!” Gabriel admitted.
“Why are you fighting over something so idiotic? I’m old enough, I have the ri-”
“Don’t get into this Villanelle,” her mum sternly said, whilst grabbing Gabriel and pulling him to the kitchen. So Villanelle ran away mumbling from
her parents argument and wiping the sweat off her forehead. “I-need wat-er.”
Villanelle then spotted a rusty bicycle on the side of the road and decided to try ride it but kept falling off. Though after, what felt like an dozen years of scratches and attempts, she finally rode it to a city near by.
She thought her father was lying to her, since she saw so many people. How is this possible? she wondered and walked into a bar
“I need help,” she murmured.
Before she could think, she explained everything about her family and what had happened to her country. After a lot of persuading, they agreed to help her and her country.
“We’re here,” A guy said. But when they came out of the car, everything looked normal.
“Look at that! There is NO yellow sky, NO destroyed buildings and there ARE people!” The guy declared.
“Wha- t- I- i- don’t get it” Villanelle stuttered and fell to her knees. She ran back to her home and there was no sign of her parents
THE END.
**********
“So….” Deborah asked.
“What do you mean so?” Adira laughed.
“What happened next?” Deborah pleaded.
“Your grandma built a life in Turkey, and that’s why we live there now!” Adira mentioned.
“You’re not going to tell me more?!” Deborah begged.
“Well, there’s nothing left to say,” Adira noted anyway. “Goodnight.”
“Wait, before you go, don’t be mad and don’t tell me ‘I told you’, but I’m scared. Can I sleep with you?” Deborah begged.
“Really?” Adira interrogated.
“Mhm,” Deborah begged.
“Fine.” Adira agreed.
“Yay!” Deborah celebrated.